“I’m Fine” : Healing the Shame & Exhaustion of Neurodivergent Masking

Scanning evironments, being overly aware of your own facial expression, posture, “am I blinking too much….”, scripting your coffee order, shifting from your comfortable seating to a more socially acceptable posture when others are around, having to say things in a particular tone so others don’t perceive you as aggressive or angry. And on and on and on.

The exhaustion of masking can feel like it doesn’t end.

& then comes the crash as soon as you get home.

The Masker & the Critic and Chronic Fatigue

Chronic masking is a specific, relational exhaustion. A kind of exhaustion that is invisible to everyone else, but deeply felt for neurodivergent people. A first masking keeps us safe. It allows for us to blend, to belong.

But, does belonging have to come with such a cost?!?

Parts work (Internal Family Systems- informed) is one way to understand the dynamic at play as it helps us understand this exhaustion without judgement.

From this framework, we understand that you have many parts. Maybe we have a masking part, an anxious part, a critical part, an organized part, a playful part etc. Each of us have a unique collection of parts formed by our life experiences.

Let’s take a closer look a few parts that may be contributing to the burnout associated with masking.

Meet the Masking part:

The “Masking Part” is the one working overtime, constantly monitoring the room, analyzing and mimicking neurotypical behaviours. It’s intentions are good, it want’s you to belong. But, it burns all of your energy.

In comes the Critical Part:

Looking over it’s shoulder is often a “Critic Part” which judges you relentlessly when the Masking Part inevitably fails (because as much as this part tries to appear neurotypical, it is not) or when you allow yourself to rest.

You feel the exhaustion from masking.. so you stop for a moment or take time to rest & recover. The critic part swoops in often utilizing shame & blame as a control strategy. This adds to the exhaustion you feel & can reinforce masking as a way out.

This internal dynamic is often the root cause of intense shame that many neurodivergent people carry. Further, the exhaustion is not the same as running in a marathon, or doing some form physical labour. While it is felt physical, it’s also relational.

Because of this, most people see only two ways forward.

1) continue masking until you evidently burn out

or

2) force extended isolation to build back your energy reserves.

While these options work, they both keep you in a cycle of masking, fatigue & shame/blame.

You have other options.

Finding Self-Energy and Authentic Connection

The path to unmasking (if this is your goal) isn’t about forcing yourself to be different or suddenly brave to be vulnerable. It’s about building a relationship with the parts of you that are exhausted, ashamed, or scared.

Parts work helps you access your “Self”. A state we all have at our core when accessing Self we engage in the world calmly, with curiosity and compassion. From this state of Self we go toward the parts that are holding the exhaustion. We listen to the Masking Part, understand its fear and give it permission to finally put its burden down when it is ready to do so. Now, this may not happen immediately (& that’s okay!), we ensure safety is achieved first.

But, over time parts work allows all parts of us to find a role which serves our Self.

From a neurodiversity affirming therapy lens, we explore:

• What does authentic connection look and feel like for you?

• How you can set boundaries that protect your energy

• What happens to your creativity and joy when you stop preforming?

• And more!

You can put the mask down. The shame that kept the mask glued on can be healed in a space of non-judgment and acceptance.

You don’t have to keep preforming to earn your place in the world.

If you are and adult in BC seeking neurodiversity-affirming support and are ready to explore parts work as part of your healing journey, help is available. I invite you to book a FREE 15 minute consultation to see if my online therapy approach is the right for you.