People Pleasing & Anxiety. Why it’s so hard to say “No”.
Have you ever said “yes” when every part was screaming “NO!!!!” ?
Maybe you took on extra work, agreed to plans you didn’t have the energy for or avoid speaking up to “keep the peace’ (but what about the peace inside of you..)
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. Many people who live with anxiety struggle with people pleasing. This often happens because at some point they learned that safety comes from keeping others happy.
Why saying “No” feels so hard.
When anxiety is a part of your story, your brain is often scanning for potential rejection, conflict, or disapproval. Essentially, brains running on anxiety are on the lookout for danger.
Saying no can feel risky because it might trigger thoughts such as:
“What if they’re upset with me?”
“What if they think I’m selfish”
“What if I lose their respect?”
Your body reacts to these fears the same way it would to any danger, your heart races, stomach gets tight, thoughts spin. In that moment, saying “yes” feels like the quickest way to calm the anxiety. The easiest way to attain safety.
However, over time consistently saying “yes” when we really mean “no” can leave us feeling resentful, exhausted and disconnected.
The compassionate view: There’s a reason you learned to please.
In Compassionate-focused therapy, we dont judge these pattens, we work to understand them.
People pleasing often begins as a survival skill. Maybe as a child or teen, you learned that being helpful, quiet, or agreeable kept you safe (or loved).
That strategy likely worked at the time, it protected you, but now it’s holding you back from living in alignment with your values.
CFT invites us to meet this part of ourself, the one who is scared to disappoint others, with kindness instead of shame.
Try this reflection:
“ I learned to please others because I care deeply about connection. I can keep that caring part of me, while learning to care for myself.”
How ACT helps you build healthier boundaries.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy ACT focuses on helping you live by your values instead of your fears.
When it comes to people pleasing, ACT helps you:
Notice Anxious thoughts (I’m having the thought that they will be mad at me”
Make space for the discomfort (Feel the tension without rushing to fix it, simply notice and allow it to be present)
Choose aligned action (Say “no” kindly, because it protects your energy and lets you show up where it matters most)
Therapist Tip:
If the word “no” feels too uncomfortable write down 2 - 3 other ways to decline without saying no. Practice saying these and have them ready to use when it’s time to decline.
Practice Compassionate Boundaries.
Start Small!!
You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight - meaningful change will take time.
Saying “ let me get back to you” instead of an immediate yes.
Check in “ do i actually need to do this, or am I afraid not to?”
Setting boundaries is about respectful yourself and your limits.
You don’t have to do this alone.
If you’ve spent years saying yes to keep the peace, learning to say no can feel deeply uncomfortable at first.
Therapy can help you explore where these patterns come from, how anxiety keeps them in place and how to build self compassion as your practice new boundaries.
At Anchor & Align Psychotherapy, I offer online therapy across British Columbia for anxiety, people pleasing, and overthinking. I integrate Compassion Focused Therapy and ACT to help you develop more balance and emotional freedom.
Session are cover by most major insurance providers (including Manulife, Sun life, Canada life and Greenshield)
Curious to see if we’d be a good fit?
Book your free 15-minute consultation -> lets take the first step together
